Questions have been set in 3 tiers, based on where the search is.

“Ice breakers and identifiers” are good to ask anyone at a first meeting, and they help give a basic profile of the individual. Remind the person sitting across from you (on in the chat box!) there are no wrong answers. The goal is to only determine compatibility.

“What could I be getting myself into” are more personal questions about potential red flags. Nobody’s perfect, so you just need to know what you’re getting yourself into beforehand so that you’re not surprised a few months after marriage. Tell your partner beforehand if you lie, I will never be able to trust you again, so be honest, and if you don’t want to tell the truth, just say, “there are some things I’d rather keep private for now” but do not mislead or make mental reservations. Make a note of those things where they opted not do disclose.

And finally, “Before the wedding day” are the questions not to forget to ask in preparation for the marriage itself.

Ice breakers and identifiers

Background story: What country are you from? Where were you born? Citizenship? How often do you visit your native country? How many relatives in the US? How many remain behind? What do you miss most about your country? Have you visited other Muslim countries? Where all have you lived? 

ABOUT MEN: find out about the brother’s parents and their situation, especially their health and wealth and your potential fiancé’s supportive male siblings. Many times, when the parents reach old age and are no longer capable of supporting themselves, the son(s) will take on that responsibility, either giving all extra money to the living parent(s) and or bringing those living parent(s) to one’s own home. Ask about these things! A common complaint I hear from convert sisters especially is that their husband gives all his money to his parents and forces her to work and provide for them(!)

Education: What is your educational background? Any plans of acquiring more?

Work: How do you currently support yourself? Any plans to change your career? What is your job history? [Go ahead and at their resume/CV. It could save time]

Hobbies: What do you do for entertainment, amusement or play? How do you spend your free time? What do you listen to during commute?

FYI: Do you have a lot of friends of the opposite gender?

Virtues: What three positive characteristics describe you the best?

Holdbacks: What three personal characteristics do you need to work on the most? Any personal habits/quirks others might find annoying?

Money: If you were given $50,000 what would you do with it?

FYI: What kinds of gifts/treats do you value the most?

FYI: What organizations/clubs do you belong to, participate in or pay dues to?

FYI: Do you have any big dreams or goals to accomplish before you die? [e.g. travel around the world, own a business, run a marathon, etc.]

FYI: Do you have any allergies that you know of? peanuts, latex, pollen, dogs or cats, etc.?

Roommates: Do you have or want any specific pets, like a cat, parrot or tarantula?

Food: Are you a picky eater? What foods do you dislike? Do you like American cuisine or do you feel a need for your ethnic food on a regular basis? What about food from scratch versus the occasional quickly prepared “just stick it in the oven/microwave” meal or take-out? Do you feel that every meal must include meat, fish or poultry? How often do you eat out? Do you eat your vegetables? 

Funny factor: Do your friends, colleagues, family think you have a sense of humor? Too little or too much?

Marriage: What pitfalls have you encountered pursuing marriage [including past marriages]?

Grooming detail: Do you wear glasses or contacts? Jewelry? Extensions or hats?

Politics: Where do you fit in the current political climate?

Hajj: Have you performed hajj? [Would you assist your wife to perform it if she has not yet?]

Sports: Are you active in any sports? Do you regularly lift weights or do cardio exercise or aerobics? Have you studied and practiced any form of martial arts?

Self-tarbiyah: Do you listen to any known Muslim speakers?

Deen: Have you prayed 5 times a day consistently all your life or when did you start? How often do you pray less than that? How often more than that? How much?

Family Islam: Were/are your parents conservative/religious Muslims? Siblings? Children [if applicable]? Is their Islam “liberal” or “traditional” or “knowledge-based”?

Worldview: How do you view the Muslim world? What do you think is the biggest problem? Biggest strength?

Worldview: Where do you hope to see yourself in twenty years if Allah decrees good health for you and your wife?

FYI: How do you respond to crisis or emergency?

Talents: Do you know how to fix cars? Computers? Home maintenance? How experienced are you in the kitchen? Any other interesting skills/talents? 

Marriage: Do you view marriage as a life-long commitment or something to try for a few years before moving on? Please be honest. 

Marriage: How do you feel about polygamy?

Marriage: what are the strengths and weaknesses of your parents’ marriage?

Deen: How much of the Quran have you memorized? Do you recite with proper tajweed?

Compatibility: Are you comfortable having a spouse with a very _____________ personality? [mention something about yourself, whether it be headstrong, submissive, silly, extroverted/introverted, cautious, etc.]

Child rearing: [If they desire children] What are some of the biggest lessons you learned from your parents and growing up that you want to pass on?

ROUND 2 QUESTIONS: What might I be getting myself into!?

If you’re pleased with their responses so far or are still considering them, these questions are a bit more personal, and thus, may not be suitable for the first meeting. Feel free to ask any previous questions again, to ensure consistency. 

Health: Any unique medical history? chronic illnesses? deformities? Surgeries you’ve been putting off, etc?

Past: Do you have any tattoos?

Background: Do you have any criminal record in any country, even if you believe you were innocent?

FYI: Do you have any phobias?

Childhood recovery: When you grew up in your parents’ home, were you the spoiled one? The scapegoat? Abused in any way? What do you think your parents got wrong? 

Personality: What makes you angry/rage? Do you have any anger management issues? How do you typically respond if something “flips your lid”? How often does that happen?

How could your spouse calm you or how should they respond if you become angry around or even because of them?

Past: Have you ever done any of the following: lie under oath, kill someone, have an extramarital affair, practice voodoo, steal, illegal drug addiction, gambling/alcohol addiction, beat or curse your family or others, tortured an animal, or there exists pornographic photos/video of you online, threaten someone with harm to their body/wealth/reputation?

[I would not ask any single one of these questions individually, to give them a chance to maintain some anonymity. Of course, people change and repent, so if it seems like their repentance is sincere and your istikhaarah indicates to go forward, then do so with trust in Allah, especially if your own past isn’t spotless. And this is just a sampling, you could modify that list if you like by removing, adding, or substituting things that matter to you, but only add potential deal breakers. If you’re curious, you could add, “do you care to elaborate? I won’t judge you, no one is perfect, but if we take things a step further, and we know about each other’s past, we can try to help each other not return to bad habits or complete our reform.“]

Gender violence: What do you think of the opposite gender? Do you ever see yourself hitting your spouse? If so, why, and in what manner? [please be honest, the only wrong answer is one which is not based on personal reflection] Do you think it’s ever okay or justified to slap your wife in the face? What about beat or rebuke her in front of her children?

Debt: Any outstanding debt? Student loan, home, medical, auto, personal loans from family or friends,  payday loans, etc?

Traffic & misdemeanors: Have you had many traffic tickets in your life or any car crashes?

Temptations: Have you ever been addicted to… nicotine, alcohol, gambling (lottery and sports betting included) or pornography? If so, are you still struggling or how long have you been clean since a relapse? How could your spouse help you? — this is another question which does not necessarily ask “WHAT were you addicted to” to allow some anonymity, at least until marriage, however, if you decide to get married with someone who said they were generally addicted to one of those things at one time, it would be good to follow up and come up with a plan to assist them from falling off the wagon. Remember, studies say threats encourage lying, but simple honesty seeking promotes telling the truth. Are you perfect? 

Deen compatibility: What’s your opinion about music, photography, face veil, meat from supermarket & chain restaurants, home mortgage?

If I study Islam and decide to follow an opinion different from the opinion you follow regarding an issue, whether it is related to creed and faith, or worship and living, will you respect me and my choice as long as I am following the opinion of a recognized Muslim scholar?

Tidiness: If you learn that guests are going to visit your place, are you ready to receive them or do you need time to “tidy up” and organize? How much time?

Vision: How do you imagine your demeanor as a spouse would be? [This question could allow some creativity, for example, “which TV or movie husband/dad/wife/mother do you think you could identify with most?”]

 

Money: How would you describe yourself with regard to spending, saving and giving? How is your credit score?

Money: How often do you seek financial help from friends or relatives, whether small or large amounts?

Marital roles: What do you think of a married woman working part or full time? What about while raising children?

Grooming: Would you mind if I do ________ with my hair/nails/whatever occasionally?

Child rearing: Where would you prefer to send your children for schooling? Home, Islamic, public, or private?

How do you feel about child discipline? Are you comfortable helping me raise my children? Do you want to have [more] children or raise a large family?

Parents: What kind of relationship do you plan on having with your parents? In-laws? What about when they get older and become feeble?

Past: What from your past was really traumatic for you? How do you think it changed your outlook on life and sensitivities compared to “normal” people?

Health: Will you agree to take an STI test with me and show each other the results before going a step further? 

[Don’t downplay this! In today’s permissive culture, many Muslim men and women are drinking and “hooking up” at an alarming rate, whether they are an ivy league graduate or a high school dropout. Some have even transmitted AIDs to their spouse due to undisclosed times in penitentiary and prison rape. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW AND PROTECT YOURSELF, AND SO DO THEY FROM YOU]

Roles: Islamically, a husband provides. Do you feel a wife could or should assist in any way with paying bills?

[Note: I personally never advocate learning exactly how much a man is “worth” or makes. Some wise man a thousand years ago once told his son, “if she thinks its little, she’ll belittle you; and if she thinks it’s a lot, it will never satisfy her wants.” However, in America things are run a lot differently. You and future spouse can work out your own arrangement. High income means nothing if they are a high spender. Best to learn their income range, potential, and their philosophies on buying/spending/saving. There are also other creative ways of determining their habits, like saying, “Most of America lives paycheck to paycheck without the ability to save or afford an immediate $1,000 disaster. What would you do if you had such an immediate disaster?” Or “how often do you treat yourself with your income?” This may reveal unhealthy spending habits.

ALSO NOTE: if one question is more important than the other, about lifestyle, go ahead and say so. For example, if you are diametrically opposed to guns or go insane if a toothbrush is left out or something, tell them that this issue is important and that they may need to compromise on it–but wait for their answers first, since maybe, it is something you too can learn to live with and appreciate, or ignore as “don’t ask, don’t tell”. As many as 70% of marital spats are never solved, even in healthy marriages. 

Monogamy: Do you realistically see yourself with two wives in the future and plan on making that a reality? Howso? What factors might slow or propel that need?

Test vs Invest vs Saving: How have you approached marriage and dating in the past? Have you focused on one person, trying to get to know them and maybe mold them, or have you cast a big net and just tried to get to know many people, hoping one will be the more likely “Mr(s) Right”?

Sex: How do you view sex? What is your perception of it, positive or negative? [You could ask the question in a manner meant to teach and impart your own views, like “Are you romantic, concerned with your spouse’s pleasure, and believe that a fulfilling sex life is a product of a relationship of trust and admiration, and that variety is the spice of life?” but it may be better to let them speak on their own behalf.

This could reveal whether experiences have led them to be picky, or perhaps need therapy to overcome a past experience to be better prepared for a healthy sex life. 

It is also important at this stage to reveal any possible sexual deviances that might require counseling to rectify. 

How do you feel about felatio / cunnilingus? Do you desire performing or receiving it? How important is oral sex to you in a marriage? 

Are you interested in more kinky adventures, like role-playing, blindfolds, games, food play, or rough dominant sex? Or are you perfectly fine with good old fashioned vanilla sex? Do you feel that your sex life would be unsatisfied without ever involving more men/women, incorporating urine/feces or animals, using pornography, anal sex, or inflicting pain, control, humiliation and “worship”, or public exhibitionism or risk taking?

These are mostly yes or no questions, and you should remind them of that. You don’t want that person to feel resentful towards you in case you both go separate ways. These sessions are not meant to humiliate anyone, but primarily to recognize compatibility markers, and areas where counseling is needed, or defining boundaries. It is very disturbing to hear of someone complain that on the first night together [any night is bad, but how bad is it when it’s the FIRST!], one partner is pressuring the other into a sexual deviancy. Laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billaah!!!

How do you learn these things without khalwah? Via e-mail, a private zoom, or where the third person is off to the distance and engrossed in other activities. 

Some highly confidential questions may also come from their side. I wouldn’t consider them to be red flags unless they ask it abruptly and too soon in the game. Be prepared to be asked about your previous marriage(s) or relationships.

In some cases, you could say, “Are you comfortable with not knowing my experiences or would you feel disdainful of former partners, uncomfortable about it or seeking to out-perform them?”  

You may also be curious about their past. Personally, I don’t believe this matters too much as long as a person has remained monogamous [unless this is of course a first time marriage where one or both is a virgin, that’s a different story]. Don’t ask, don’t tell. In fact, that might even be your answer, “Don’t ask and I won’t tell, a huge reason why I’m pursuing marriage is because I want to experience this in a manner pleasing to me and pleasing to Allah.” 

I have also heard individuals say “I’ll let you ask me anything about my past right now, and I’ll be dead honest, but after this hour is over, the book is sealed off for good.” One could offer that or ask if they would if you were so curious or at least wanted to have such an option.

However, in all honesty, I have come to the conclusion that nearly all Muslims raised in America have made abominable mistakes for which they are hopefully deeply ashamed for. For young college aged Muslims, I discourage prying too deeply unless someone has a colorful past. But if they made one mistake here or there, keep it covered from your own self so that you do not experience doubts. 

They might also ask to see a more revealing photo. I would decline unless it is just in normal house clothes—nothing seductive or skimpy. One can simply reply, “If it’s Allah’s Will, then we’ll see everything from each other, but if not, I don’t feel comfortable with this request and do not feel it’s necessary, respectfully.” Also, I prefer not sending any media. I have heard too many stories of scumbag men (even some “imams”!!!) threatening women, blackmailing them after they sent a more revealing photo. It throws those girls into depression or even worse. If a man asks for a more revealing photo, tell him to come to you, and then in a room full of your relatives or your sisters, you can be present in your house clothes, and there be no phones or cameras. 

I have also heard of men being asked about their size below the belt *ahem*. The general rule for a question like that is, just as it would be forbidden to see these parts of the awrah before nikah, seeking or offering description would also be forbidden. Chest size is something women may be unable to obscure, unlike genitalia. 

For both men and women, based on a person’s past experiences/marriages, they may feel that something is necessary for them and feel unable to tolerate anything else. Some things may be important to you but you would rather not ask about them. In that case, just make du’aa to Allah regarding it. Allah already knows what you want, so don’t be shy to ask Allah for anything in a spouse just as you might ask Allah to help find your car keys or something—there’s nothing inappropriate with Allah if you ask with proper etiquette.

ROUND 3 QUESTIONS: Before the signing

Final questions, if all but ready to finalize marriage, or if already finalized while determining date/logistics:

Dowry: How much of a mahr/sadaaq is appropriate?

Wedding customs: What marriage customs does your culture/family follow that you would expect me to partake in?

Contract: Are you open to signing a comprehensive marriage contract that details scripture-based Islamic consequences of marital deterioration and separation? What about seeing the wife be delegated the right to divorce, with external qualified approval, should the husband’s heart or circumstance change and he be unwilling to pronounce divorce?

Marriage conditions: Think about how the family dynamic might change if one spouse or the other or BOTH were each suddenly laid off work? What if the parents passed away? What if you became pregnant with twins on your wedding night? Family dynamic could change abruptly, and the couple may make major life changes to accommodate those changes. During such changes, you may want certain things to remain consistent. Think about what may be important to you. 

Remember, at the end of the day, it’s how you feel and how you get along. No one is perfect. But if your imperfections and their imperfections are at least within a “stable” range and are able to balance each other out, then make a decision and put your trust in Allah. 

This last question is better for after conducting the nikah (qabool/kk) and may be a prelude to the first night together… 

Intimacy: What turns you on sexually, or how do you like to get in the mood? How would you like your wife to convey her desire to you? 

Describe the ideal first sexual encounter between us? [Pay attention to the answer! This could reveal past sexual trauma if you hear them say “slowly” a dozen times]

This question may sound taboo, but because marriage is often so formalized among Muslims, many couples forgo talking about the bedroom life, and even shy away from the topic, ashamed of their own fantasies–which may vary in strength. None of this is surprising in the 21st century. What may happen, as marriage counselors have witnessed (or, if they don’t witness, then is heard during divorce proceedings), is that when the envelope is not pushed a little bit at home (in a way that BOTH partners are comfortable with], in such a sexualized and pornographic culture, it may lead one or both of the partners to push that envelope outside the home.

How would you like the bedroom experience to vary? Apart from “wam-bam-thank-you-mam” do you enjoy making love like it’s your last meal, slowly pleasuring every part of a woman’s body?

And Allah knows best, and may He exalt the mention of His Messenger Muhammad and grant him security, along with the Prophet’s companions, and all who follow their guidance until the Day of Resurrection.