Properly handling the parental response…

Some of those who come to Islam do so as part of a counter-cultural rebellion. This rebellion may even be in the context of defiance against one’s parents. It may then come as a shock to see how much emphasis Islam places on being dutiful, kind and generous to one’s parents, with only the most limited of exceptions. Indeed, maintaining ties of kinship, and reconnecting with those relatives who have cut you off is given great importance.

Pleasing our parents is rarely easy. Rarely if ever will non-Muslim parents give you a thumbs up and encouragement when they learn you are considering Islam or have already entered it. I announced my interest to my parents beforehand and kept them informed every step of the way. I think because of our small family there has always been a stress on togetherness, so we have maintained a good relationship overall. That, plus with my health issues and history of taking up different hobbies, my parents preferred not to go head-to-head with me on something they didn’t see as being immediately detrimental and that I might voluntarily leave or grow out of. So Allah did not test me greatly through my parents.

Many reverts have a more dramatic experience when their parents first learn about their Islam, or they are so afraid of the possible reaction, that they have avoided informing their parents at all.

My advice for someone who hasn’t told their parents yet is to gradually inform them. For example, bring home a pamphlet and say something like, “Someone handed me this pamphlet. I found it really interesting. Maybe there’s a lot to know about Islam that we’re not being told.” It is best to mention a member of your gender so that your family never accuses you of converting because of a love interest.

Bring another pamphlet a week later or a small booklet, show it to your family, or casually leave it out, so that they see your fascination and interest. They may stay silent throughout all of this, concur with your observations, or make snide remarks.

Then, you may invite some Muslim friends over to simply have a snack at your house while your family is home and can see that they are a friendly bunch. Or post a picture of yourself having lunch with Muslim friends on a social media account that your parents see.

After some time, you might announce your desire to convert or even that you have in fact converted. But before this, and throughout the whole time, you must be as kind, polite, and useful to your family as you can be. By doing this, you should at least avoid disownment from your immediate family.

But no matter how much you butter your family up and give them hints of your leanings, they may not be pleased with your decision. Pray for the best, but don’t be surprised from the worst. One blogger put it, “Even if your family doesn’t have a problem with Islam, or Muslims, they have a problem with you becoming one.” [emphasis mine]

They may feel you are abandoning your heritage: the heritage they gave you. So it’s no wonder they might take it personally. Or they think you are devaluing all the good memories they gave you and the happiness they witnessed from you during holidays and the pride they felt for you when you assumed church and patriotic duties.

And what are they going to tell your aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents?! They don’t want to come off as bad parents and have their own parents judge their ability as parents.

They feel they either must do damage control and downplay your conversion, or they take the firm route and stand as a barrier between you and Islam which could entail a harsh reaction or even disownment.

Naturally, you can make it easier on them if you do not turn into a “fundamentalist” in the next few days and weeks, so take your outward practice and any public changes slowly.

One thing you may tell them to comfort them is that it was their good parenting – after Allah’s Guidance of course – that made you such a resolute individual who lives according to what you believe is right after proper investigation.

But no matter what I say, you will be the better predictor of how to specifically deal with your family and the route they will take. And as always, through every step of the way, make tons of du’aa to Allah to guide you, strengthen you, and soften your family’s hearts towards Islam. Then, be as gentle, calm, and collected as you can in these early stages. Hold yourself if they make bad comments and accusations.

قَالُوا إِنْ يَسْرِقْ فَقَدْ سَرَقَ أَخٌ لَهُ مِنْ قَبْلُ فَأَسَرَّهَا يُوسُفُ فِي نَفْسِهِ وَلَمْ يُبْدِهَا لَهُمْ قَالَ أَنْتُمْ شَرٌّ مَكَانًا وَاللَّهُ أَعْلَمُ بِمَا تَصِفُونَ [12:77]

They said, “If he steals – a brother of his has stolen before.” But Joseph kept it within himself and did not reveal it to them. He said, “You are worse in position, and Allah is most knowing of what you describe.”

Preaching to your family or dispelling misconceptions in this early stage will likely fall on deaf ears. Even if they ask questions, it may be mere politeness or to test you. It may even be to expose something you may normally be adverse to from Islam. For example, “what does Islam say about your dance career you love and have sacrificed so much for?”

But rarely would they ask you—at this stage—to increase their knowledge and understanding about Islam. But if you believe they are, it may be better to refer them to a religious leader or a website with a live chat option, since humbleness in knowledge is in itself effective. Many people have come to Islam due to excellent manners of the Muslims. Some of what impresses them is when they hear Muslims say “I don’t know, but let me refer you to someone who does”. This is in a culture where everyone feels the need to “weigh in” on everything.

So despite what you have learned, you may still prefer to refer your curious family and friends to a more learned person. That would also show them that you have several contacts in the Muslim community and that you respect the faith and revere the status of knowledge. But should some of your relatives disown you, it could take years before they begin contact with you again. You should never shut the door in their faces, but always leave it open, with general amnesty, and occasionally check on them and reach out. It may be one day they see you and start a normal conversation as if nothing happened. Admitting wrongness and asking for forgiveness is hard—make it easier on them by foregoing it.

Disowning happens more to white female reverts than males, black-Americans or other ethnic groups. It’s not uncommon for families to have that “strange uncle” or some males that have “taken the path less traveled by” to put it in another way and are less likely to completely disown male children and siblings even if they are very harsh to them at first. Women on the other hand usually follow a typical life pattern, so a change from that might be more likely to be met with disowning, especially when the woman comes from the ethnic background of the majority “ruling class” and instead favors the way of life of a supposedly lesser civilized people. Read this inspirational story of a woman who accepted Islam in 1977, losing her family, husband, friends, job, and children as a direct result of it—only to later witness all of them accept Islam and apologize for their misjudgment.

Calling your family to Islam

As for your parents ultimately following you in your path to Islam, certainly that is the heartfelt goal of every new Muslim. Unfortunately, it is uncommon, and frequently does not happen for many years after the child’s initial conversion. Sometimes, it happens when the parent is on their deathbed. Apart from being the best and most subservient of children in matters outside of worship, occasionally present information to them about Islam.

Have you given your parents any excuse to hate Islam and have they gotten over past misconceptions about Islam? In either case, I may dare suggest annoying them with fascinating information about Islam and its central message of tawheed. And repeatedly ask them if they are ready to accept Islam. Also, introduce them to other friendly knowledgeable Muslims in their age group. Then, you have assembled the ingredients of their conversion. If you follow those steps while praying sincerely to Allah, then you only have to wait until they someday say, “yes, I’m ready”.

Reconciling family rejection of faith

However, if Allah did not decree guidance for them, be comforted knowing that even on the Day of Judgment, all of those who were related to each other or had close relations beforehand will run away from each other and accuse one another concerning the wrongdoings of each until Allah has finished His Judgment between them.

Read the 70^th soorah of the Quran as well as the 80^th to see how kindred will be to each other on the Day of Judgment. It will be as if we only knew each other for a day or part of a day and all ties of love will have vanished between them, because their own concern is salvation, how desperate they are to achieve it, and how doubtful it appears. The bonds of love are agonizingly strong in this life, but they won’t last forever unless you all follow each other in faith.

Think of how divorce lawyers can turn a husband and wife against each other. Imagine how the threat of eternity in the Fire will turn people against one another!

I am jealous of converts whose parents have embraced Islam. But I know that those converts whose parents refused until it was too late actually have something in common with our Messenger that other Muslims cannot share. Imam Muslim recorded that a man asked the Prophet where is father was. The Prophet said “In the fire.” The man turned away. Some versions say he cried. But then the Prophet called him back and said, “both my father and your father are in the Fire.” The Prophet comforted him by showing that both of them share this trial together. That comforting extends to all the rest of us whose parents do not follow us in faith.

Are you a minor? Persecuted or is Islam antithetical to your livelihood?

Lastly, if you are under 18 and your guardians are attempting to stand as a barrier to you being a Muslim, perhaps threatening you, beating you, cutting you off from connecting with the Muslims or even the outside world, then you may have no choice but to conceal your adherence to Islam. They may force you to attend church, read some anti-Islamic information. They may even make you sign an agreement saying you will never accept Islam. They may call the police if any Muslims contact you.

If this is your story, be comforted knowing that Allah does not test anyone beyond their capacity and that persevering through this situation, no matter how desperate it appears now, will ultimately make you a strong and mature Muslim once you overcome it or He softens their hearts.

The most important thing you should worry about during this stage is continuously educating yourself about Islam in whichever way you are able. This may be by going to a public library and using their computers or learning to hide your virtual footsteps from your parents, like surfing the internet incognito, disabling key-logger software, or through a proxy server or VPN. Equally important is maintaining communication with Muslims aware of your circumstances. They can offer you emotional support and direct your learning.

As for practicing Islam at this stage, of course you probably will not be able to do like a free Muslim would. But don’t look at yourself as being the most sinful Muslim on earth if that’s the case. Allah knows your situation and judges you accordingly.

In 1492, when Granada was surrendered to the Spanish Catholics, the Muslims that were unable to leave Spain were soon forced to change their names, undergo baptism and attend church regularly—not to mention, dressing like Christians. They were called Moriscos. This did not stop them from implementing what they could of Islam under radar and keeping contact with Muslims in Morocco and the Ottoman sultanate to organize help or exodus.

Quietly implement what you can of Islam to keep your family from suspecting you and then becoming even more restrictive and abusive. Allah pardons Muslims in such situations under threat to speak and act in some ways contrary to Islam and to perform their prayers inconspicuously.

Throughout history, Muslims have had to pray in a variety of situations, as the scholars of fiqh detailed and recorded, even while running from an avalanche or on horseback while shooting an arrow or swinging a sword. This is what Allah refers to in the ayah,

{فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ فَرِجَالًا أَوْ رُكْبَانًا ۖ فَإِذَا أَمِنتُمْ فَاذْكُرُوا اللَّـهَ كَمَا عَلَّمَكُم مَّا لَمْ تَكُونُوا تَعْلَمُونَ} ﴿٢٣٩﴾ سورة البقرة

“And if you fear [an enemy] then offer your prayer on foot or riding. And when you are in safety, then remember Allah as you have been taught that which you did not know.” [2:239]

This concession can be used anywhere you happen to find yourself. If you begin praying normally and suddenly you cannot continue as normal, the prayer time is about to end, or you believe that your situation will not improve to conduct your prayer in its most complete manner.

What is incorrect in such circumstances, which most Muslims do unfortunately, is delaying the prayer beyond its time. “Truly, the prayer has been enjoined on the believers at fixed hours.” [4:103] So you may have to pray as if you’re sitting and doing homework. You may also combine certain prayers to accommodate times when you’re busier. You may pray thuhr and ‘asr anytime between when thuhr begins and ‘asr ends; similarly maghrib and ‘ishaa anytime between sunset and before dawn prayer begins.

If you have to speak to your family during a prayer, you may do so, although this would normally invalidate a prayer. If worst comes to worse, you may have to pray moving your eyes or acting normally and going through the motions and supplications in your heart and mind. Depending on your work environment, you may also have to take advantage of this allowance, like if you work on an assembly line or in an emergency room, or even as I experienced working in retail once on “black Friday” wading through crowds.

Your family may also purposely try to cook more pork meals to test that you have in fact given up on Islam. If you cannot find an excuse to eat elsewhere or pretend to be full, you may be out of options—rejecting their meal could expose you to more abuse, surveillance and restrictions.

Your parents may not be this obstructive but may command, for example, that you just do not dress in a headscarf or grow a beard. For commands like these, when they do not conflict with the fundamentals of Islam, again you should obey them in that until you are independent enough that they can no longer legally influence your life. This is all unless you know that they would not take any detrimental measures or threats against you other than mere disapproval. You don’t want them to claim that Islam is making you rebellious, even though it is their intolerance that is causing the division, so make your “rebelling” as quiet, gentle and loving as you can.

The point is, Islam is flexible to your circumstances, and that you practice whatever you can practice, and seek Allah’s forgiveness and help for what is too difficult for the time being. Also, do not forget to be a good child, giving your parents gifts if you can, telling them how much you appreciate their sacrifices to raise you at times when you were unable to provide for yourself.

Have an interesting story about your parents and your Islam? Share with us in the comments below…