Apart from the five daily prayers, perhaps the greatest immediate changes reverts have to adjust to is identifying their selves as Muslims around people who never knew them as such and taking up a new perspective on gender relations. Western society teeter-totters between pretending that we’re angels, fully capable of platonic relations and, on the other end of the spectrum, seeking to draw out the sexual impulses and make sex as public, trivial and accessible as shaking hands and exchanging contact info. Islam strikes a balance, as Allah created these desires within us for a purpose to increase humanity and to make its fulfilment a test and path of obedience, not to be shunned, but to be recognized and channeled. Because this bond is very intimate and relationships formed through it very real and heartfelt, some of Islam’s guidance concerning it or affected by it may be difficult to accept and implement. I have made some general suggestions, mostly gender-specific for new converts to consider when they reflect on their own relationships and how it affects the greatest relationship—that with Allah.

About women (for men)…

I thank and praise Allah the Most High that I never got involved with women before I became a Muslim. I always saw my peers living in these relationships, a few months here, a year or so there, but so frequently ending in frustration, depression, ill will, or even restraining orders, child support, etc. I had high goals and I did not want any past relationships or experiences to slow me down or blemish my record later in life. It was not easy to live like this in my youth, and sometimes I doubted myself, but since becoming a Muslim, I realized it was a great blessing that Allah turned my greater desires to other ambitions.

If you currently do not have any girlfriend upon entering Islam (whether you’re married or not) avoid unnecessary interaction with non-related women as much as is easy for you. If you think deeply within yourself, you’ll realize you are prone to act differently in the presence of non-related women—nearly all men do, partnered or not—even around married women. And those women may act differently around you too. It is human inclination and too many studies from psychologists and evolutionary biologists exist for any of us to claim we do not feel the least bit different in the presence of non-related women or, from a purely evolutionary standpoint, potential receptors for sperm.

Yet this is a trait that we are commanded to struggle against—and be rewarded for that struggle—to reach a nobler station and quality.

{وَأَمَّا مَنْ خَافَ مَقَامَ رَبِّهِ وَنَهَى النَّفْسَ عَنِ الْهَوَىٰ ﴿٤٠﴾ فَإِنَّ الْجَنَّةَ هِيَ الْمَأْوَىٰ ﴿٤١﴾} سورة النازعات

“And as for him who fears the standing before His Lord and prevented himself from giving in to desire, then Paradise is the abode.” [79:40-41]

To put it succinctly: we Muslims are forbidden from unnecessary interactions with non-related women. That includes hand-shaking, staring, and mixing and being alone with them when not necessary. While there are numerous explicit evidences for this from the Quran and Sunnah, a more general and ominous word from our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is,

ما تركت بعدي فتنة أضر على الرجال من النساء

“I did not leave behind me a trial more detrimental to men than women.” Agreed upon (recorded by both al-Bukhari & Muslim)

Why is this? If you consider it, the human body has many desires, like the desire for food, the desire for money, legacy, popularity, etc. But of all those desires, there is none more easily  “turned on” and cranked up than the desire to copulate. And if the urge is mutually felt and communicated, a few moments could lead to the creation of new life on one hand, or the destruction of a family and a loss of trust between everyone in earshot of the grapevine on the other. When a man sees an image of a woman dressed to attract, he can only look so long until he will lose his patience and fall into some sin, either making a fool of themselves in front of Allah or in front others as well. When a man begins interacting with a woman, the communication can turn flirtatious at any moment and lead to infatuation even if the conversation ends normally. Men have left Islam more because of women than vice versa. It seems that the sexual desires in man permeate his body and influence his thinking much more and he is more often willing to go to greater lengths to prove his worthiness to a hard-to-get woman.

If you do currently have a girlfriend, then the advice gets a little more complicated. First of all, if you know yourself that this is not the girl you want to spend your life with and raise children with, and she has no inclination towards Islam, hopefully there should be no ill feelings about moving on with your life without her. In that case, you should try to end the relationship as swiftly as possible, and without putting yourself in any risk.^[1]Ending a relationship can often be traumatic upon our hearts. That’s inevitable, and your life will have a lot of emotionally traumatic incidents. You have to go in, prepared for the worst shower … Continue reading But before that, sincerely ask Allah for strength and guidance to do the right thing and to make your affairs easy upon you, since you’re only doing it for Allah’s sake.

If you have more emotional attachment, then ask yourself, and be honest, which one of you has more influence over the other, you or her? If you know yourself to have a much greater influence, and if you see that this woman could very well be a good mother to your children, and that you’d like to grow old with her, then try to convince her to accept Islam. And if I were in that situation, state that the future of the relationship (whether children are involved or not) rests on her accepting Islam and raising a Muslim family. To be fair, she should be given time to make this decision and research, so that she can say, and you will know, that if you die right then and there, that she will continue with Islam. You can seek help from your local masjid in finding good booklets to offer her about the beauty and truth of Islam and invite righteous and personable Muslim families socialize with her in a positive environment.

If she does not seem to want to change her religion—this could be if she has close contact with Christian friends/family—then she may likely part from you sooner than you could part with her. And when that happens, insha’Allah, thank Allah a thousand times. Many Muslim men I’ve known who continued a relationship with a Christian woman who never became a Muslim regretted it, and their children were not raised as Muslims–that is if they remained a Muslim too. If the husband became a stronger Muslim, his wife might initiate a divorce, call relatives, even the law, and concoct lies to paint her Muslim husband in the worst light, or at the very least, strongly pressure that any children not be raised Muslims.

And if you know that she is strong-willed, not easily moved, and very influential over you, and will not approve of your choosing Islam, then I suggest calling off your relationship sooner rather than later, in any manner that will avoid confrontation even if more is involved (i.e. children or property). Otherwise, she could try to drag things on and on, and before you know it, the splendid truth of Islam that was so radiant to you long ago like the sun, later seems like a dim light, flickering in the corner, about to be extinguished, and eventually forgotten entirely like a short dream. Just like if you call your phone or cable service operator to cancel your subscription, you know they will connect you with the sweetest sounding receiver in the company with numerous tempting offers whilst you stubbornly and unflinchingly continue to say “no, thank you, I just want to cancel my service and move on with my life [without you]”. However, when the charms do not work, they could turn into [empty] threats, but you have to continue to be firm and know that Allah is with you. And you have to understand that when you give up anything for the sake of Allah, Allah will replace it for you in your life with something exponentially better. You may not be able to picture that at the moment, but you have to know it to be true, as this is from Allah’s Sunan in His dominion.^[2]Sunan, plural of Sunnah, meaning followed pathway, or tradition. Also, from Allah’s Sunan is that He tests the believers with different tests; and that he prolongs the oppressive wrong-doers to … Continue reading But if you absolutely insist on trying to guide her to Islam (by the decree of Allah) and be patient with her for a little while longer, then you have to be firm in of yourself, that either she accepts Islam, or you move to better prospects. You may not know those better prospects, but it is a promise from Allah to replace what you give up for His sake by what is much greater. The ultimate decision may be choosing between the Creator of the heavens and the earth Who will judge each male and female creation according to what came to them of knowledge and their ability to act upon it; choosing between Him who provided you with everything truly good that ever came to you in life, and a human who cannot benefit you (nor even herself) after death, nor even during your lifetime if it were not for the will of Allah to test you through her.

Balancing loyalties As you’ve no doubt realized, even Islam has its limits in flexibility. It is a guide for living, not a philosophy that applauds all that we currently practice. Allah has clarified the lifestyle He loves the most and tests our willingness to seek it. It is from our shortcomings that the spiritual journey is most exciting. The bonds of love, life, and law could make many of these suggestions seem impractical or far-fetched. Separating from a partner, kicking an addiction, changing a name, occupation, or even sexual orientation for Allah’s sake may seem harder than climbing Mt. Everest. But that doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a Muslim. Failing would only come by giving up trying and giving up hope in Allah’s Mercy. Instead, good Muslims in these situations live Islam to the best of their ability all around that point which they suffer to change. They strive for a rhythm of good deeds, spiritual progression, supportive company and education until they have the ability and assuredness to address the white elephant in the room of their lives or Allah decrees that it leaves on its own. Otherwise, they work for Allah’s forgiveness on the Day of Judgment.

In long-term relationships where parting is hardly a consideration, or there is too much at stake, Islam generally allows Muslim men to be married to Christian or Jewish women.

The greatest change that you would subject your spouse to is seeing you take a break from your activities five times a day to pray, and passing up alcohol and pork. Other than that, fraternizing with Muslim men more often and the occasional reading of Islamic literature or listening would be the greatest immediate lifestyle changes. Generally, I advise strengthening your own Islam as much as possible, and then taking the steps to attract your spouse to Islam just as you would take for your parents—excellent manners, gentle annoyance of fascinating Islamic information, and repeated requests to accept Islam and trying to find Muslim sisters to identify with and befriend her. Hopefully, over time, as you learn more about Islam and develop a strong Muslim character, you will affect those around you insha’Allah.

The final page of this post will regard marriage, but next page specifically addresses women…