Introduction to Islamic Gender Relations29 min read
Islam's gender-based guidance is the most controversial and difficult social aspect of the faith.
For women, about men…
If you read the first page, you may have some idea of what I may say here, although it is slightly different. First of all, when it comes to interacting with Muslim men, do not assume that just because they are Muslims that their eyes and minds do not wander. I really caution against communicating with Muslim men unless that is your only source for learning about Islam at that moment and having your questions answered. But as soon as there is a qualified sister or a go-between or a YouTube video series, articles or books that can fill in the gap, then it’s best to avoid interacting with Muslim men, single or married, even if they have four wives. Do not think that even male Muslim spiritual leaders, whether they be imams, judges, speakers or authors—do not think their minds don’t wander or that hope doesn’t enter their hearts or even steer them slightly in their interactions with women. After all, even the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ had many wives and plainly stated that the two things of this world that have been made most beloved to him are women and perfume, while the apple of his eye is the prayer. Recorded by al-Nasaa’ee.
There’s no need to persuade anyone that flirting is fun and exciting. But if we look at it for what it really means for us as worshipers of our Creator, can you say disobeying Allah is fun and exciting? If we replace one phrase or emotion, in our minds, with another one, we could drastically change how we view the concept and in turn, lower the temptation.
There is nothing blameworthy about ultimately marrying a Muslim man (if you have not already), rather that is a great goal and blessing, nor can we possibly live a life without being tested and tempted by our physical and emotional needs. So it should be a goal of all Muslim women, since the main event in the life of most people between birth and death is their marriage. The point is, never think an interaction or relationship is totally free of such thoughts or that there can ever be a “platonic” relationship with a man, Muslim or not, unless they were castrated.[1]There have been some studies of so-called “platonic” friendships that are worth reading. Interestingly, in most such relationships, the women usually believed the relationship to be just that—a … Continue reading I am a man, and I interact with Muslim men when no women are around. Hopefully that’s enough experience for me to qualify my statements and thus give a word of caution.[2]Muslim men do not discuss women with the same vulgarity that some non-Muslim men do, but unless their culture and mindset strictly frowns upon polygamy, they will not refrain from talking about … Continue reading If you need to interact with a Muslim man outside of work, to have questions about Islam answered or networking, do so while wearing modest covering, and consider referring to yourself “Umm ______”.[3]A kunyah is generally any nickname a person takes linking them to their firstborn. For example, the Prophet’s kunyah is “Abul-Qaasim”; and other companions were Abu Bakr, Abu Abdir-Rahmaan, Abu … Continue reading Men will only communicate with a woman like an equal peer in this kind of circumstance, without the least knowledge of what’s behind the nickname and garments. Further, making sure that any instruction is arranged in a group setting if possible, so that interaction is less personal, and monitoring one’s voice and subconscious signals. Allah says what means,
{يَا نِسَاءَ النَّبِيِّ لَسْتُنَّ كَأَحَدٍ مِّنَ النِّسَاءِ ۚ إِنِ اتَّقَيْتُنَّ فَلَا تَخْضَعْنَ بِالْقَوْلِ فَيَطْمَعَ الَّذِي فِي قَلْبِهِ مَرَضٌ وَقُلْنَ قَوْلًا مَّعْرُوفًا} ﴿٣٢﴾ سورة الأحزاب
“O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire, but speak in an honorable manner.” [33:32]
This address may be to the wives of the Messenger ﷺ, but it contains a lesson for all Muslims, since Allah chose the most righteous women to accompany His prophet, and we inevitably fall short of the religiosity of those great women as well as the Prophet’s male companions. Anything less does not provide any guarantee against emotions building up inside even if the parties strictly avoid physical flirtation.
As for non-Muslim men, if they are not used to Muslim women’s attire, generally, they may give a woman that respect with the minimal “head scarf” covering. As for any current relationship or marriage you may be involved in with non-Muslim men, as you may or may not know, Allah prohibits marriage between a Muslim woman and a non-Muslim man. Any non-Muslim man, no matter how outwardly righteous, tolerant and even supportive he may seem, unless he himself is inclining towards accepting Islam, there will no doubt be pressure to compromise on many important aspects of your religion, from diet restrictions, dress code, prayer times, and gathering with the Muslims. If he seems complacent with regard to all that, then involve him in Muslim gatherings and offer him Islamic literature designed for non-Muslims. Be wary of continuing a relationship if he does not accept Islam but displays negativity towards it. Many such men may just be waiting for the fervor to die down and then relocate to a community far away from the Muslims, or arrange Christian-like interventions. If such a plot is cooking in the air, I would advise escaping from the relationship however possible since remaining in it will be detrimental to one’s faith and challenges what Allah has dictated as being the proper environment for a woman’s faith to grow. If that is not an option, build a strong support network to keep in contact with no matter what happens to you so that you continue interacting with Muslims that you can put a face on. If your husband doesn’t know about your interest in Islam, sooner or later, he’ll suspect that something’s awry, perhaps even unfaithfulness. To repel such suspicions, the slow introduction of Islam and mentioning of female Muslim contacts until finally announcing your interest and conversion will hopefully work.
If, however, you are involved in a relationship with a man who calls himself a Muslim but does not adhere to the daily prayers, it is important to lead by example without being condescending, and to ask him to learn Quran and to lead you in prayer. As it is said in the West, “a family that prays together stays together.”
Lastly, if you are a single woman “with no strings attached” thank Allah for making your situation easier than that of other women, and pray for them that Allah give them strength and Guide them to good choices. No matter what your situation may be, Allah will certainly test you through it, but take it as an opportunity for self-betterment. Pray frequently, seek advice from others, build a support group and continue to educate yourself and increase your iman, even if you do not have the freedom to practice it as other sisters might, your ultimate reward through struggling and patient perseverance will be greater. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said that one of the greatest women that ever lived was Aasiyah, the wife of the Pharaoh, who ultimately managed to leave him and live with Musa’s people. This likely did not come until after decades of patience in an abusive relationship with a sadistic narcissist.
Next, popping the big question…
References
| ↑1 | There have been some studies of so-called “platonic” friendships that are worth reading. Interestingly, in most such relationships, the women usually believed the relationship to be just that—a mere friendship, without feeling a love interest in her male friend. In most cases however, the male involved did desire the female, and he even thought that she was sending him signals suggesting that she felt the same way! So if you ever hear about a woman suddenly raped, hurt, or traumatized fending herself from the sudden advances of someone she knew for years without suspecting any chemistry between them, you can then understand without being too surprised, as unfortunate as it is. This is how some men interpret the world around them, without realizing the naiveté of some women, nor women realizing the interest, plots, and delusions of some men. A comic strip from “The Muslim Show” makes light of this phenomenon as it may occur in the Muslim world. A bearded Muslim man is sitting across from a Muslim woman in hijab at a library. Nothing wrong there. They agree that he will teach her how to read Arabic for the sake of Allah without any strings attached. The next frame shows the woman walking home joyfully thinking how happy she is to finally be learning Arabic. The last frame shows the man walking home happily thinking he is finally getting married! Really, this is a great way for Muslims to meet each other and get married, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “you will not see anything better for two people liking each other than marriage.” [recorded by ibn Maajah, no. 1920]. The problem unfortunately is that a lot of marriage in the Muslim world does not take place like that. Rather, relatives do the arranging, and hopefully the husband or bride-to-be can accept or reject their parents’ arrangements. Muslims born and raised in the West frequently marry from other Muslim families in the West, but it is not uncommon for them to go oversees for marriage. Point being: try not to fall for someone whose family would not let them marry you. Also, never confuse love with the fear of being alone for a while longer. |
|---|---|
| ↑2 | Muslim men do not discuss women with the same vulgarity that some non-Muslim men do, but unless their culture and mindset strictly frowns upon polygamy, they will not refrain from talking about having multiple marriage partners, even if there is rarely any application of such talk, it definitely goes on amongst them, a LOT. They do have the utmost respect and strictly avoid the mention of married women, alhamdulillah. But the amount of this conversation differs from community to community, clique to clique, and their degree of secularism. Generally, the more religious among the Arabs, Africans or Americans, then the more they chat and joke about marrying more women or even about the particular type of women they would like to marry (e.g., race, education, young or mature, etc.). However, Arab men are usually too afraid of their Arab wives to pursue a polygamous relationship. As for Pakistanis and Indians, it is extremely frowned upon in their culture and rare. |
| ↑3 | A kunyah is generally any nickname a person takes linking them to their firstborn. For example, the Prophet’s kunyah is “Abul-Qaasim”; and other companions were Abu Bakr, Abu Abdir-Rahmaan, Abu ‘Ubaidah, etc. And some of the female companions were known as Umm Salamah, Umm Habeebah, Umm Ayman, Umm Sulaim, etc. A person may take a kunyah even without having children, like Aa’ishah who was known as Umm Abdillah. One may also be given a kunyah related to some attribute they were known by at some time, like Abu Hurairah (kitten) and Abu Turab (dirt), two companions of the Prophet who did not have children of those names. A person may also have more than one kunyah. If you don’t have any children, you may consider giving yourself a kunyah related to your favorite Muslim name. My wife used to call herself Umm Umar before she met me and we had children. When all a man knows about a woman is her kunyah, then it suggests religiousness on her part—like she means business and is not interested in idle banter—or already having children or being married. |
