You guessed it: marriage! If you are not already married and you want to get married this advice is for you. Even if you are not thinking about marriage it is still recommended Islamically, if for no other reason than giving a single Muslim man or woman company as long as you are willing and able to provide an Islamic environment and give the spouse their due rights. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ encouraged his followers to marry and have many good children.

I won’t dwell on explaining anything about marriage in Islam in general, as I hope to summarize it in a future post insha’Allah, but here I will simply discuss some important considerations reverts have to bare in mind when choosing a spouse.

In summary, when given the choice, I generally recommend converts marry second generation American Muslims. They could be the children of converted parents or the children of immigrants. The point is, they were raised as Muslims, and grew up in the West.

As a convert, it will not be easy to marry into the family of ethnic Muslims unless you’re a wealthy white man or have an attractive figure as a woman without any children. But if you find such a family, and they are not overly steeped in their cultural traditions (i.e. they are cultured, not traditional), and they are religious and level-headed, then perhaps that is the best family to marry into.

I recommend marrying ethnic Muslims over other reverts in general just so that you and your children have a larger Muslim family. Celebrating Eid can be lonely when you do not have any Muslim relatives to visit, call or pray for. Although most ethnic Muslims come with some cultural baggage, crazy aunties or uncles, a few misconceptions about Islam (which can be lessened if you choose a good religious family that values knowledge). Yet that is generally less detrimental than some of the jaahiliyyah baggage that many reverts come with and could tempt each other with from time to time. A revert may have lived half of their life calling themselves a Christian or an atheist, drank booze, played cards, danced and fooled around until Allah tested them with Islam. Unlike the ethnic Muslim, who could probably never see themselves as anything other than a Muslim, past, present and future.

Islam allows marrying outside your race and class (just saying, not implying) when the opportunity to marry a righteous person presents itself, but that may not be best for you, as you have to picture yourself growing old with that brother/sister, and imagine keeping in close contact with their family throughout life. The family may also expect you and/or any children to learn a language or even several, as may be the case with some East African families with numerous tribal languages they communicate with. So there may be some races you have more comfort with and attraction to than others when looking at the stages of life you’ll spend together. Not only that, but will YOUR family get along with that spouse and where they are from ethnically, economically, and in light of their religiousness? This is another important matter that could be instrumental in bringing your relatives closer to Islam if they respect and are wooed by your potential spouse or further alienate them if they are “unimpressed” or suspicious of intentions. Of course, you can only guess in many of these circumstances from what you think would be the most likely scenario, but these are important factors to weigh when considering who to marry. And these are factors which, in addition to the level of piety of the other side, can make or break a marriage. Islamic centers that offer premarital counseling with parental involvement should assist in smoothing these bumps insha’Allah.

On the other hand–again–many reverts who have married spouses from other countries, after 2 to 7 years, when they overcame the original cultural fascination and attraction to the foreign, regretted their decisions and later said “I need an American!” You may not realize how “American” you really are until you get married, especially for guys, since men are less dynamic and flexible than women. But this has been heard from both men and women, although women have less ability to do anything about their situation–in traditional Islam–if the husband refuses to let her go. So it is more important that she really strive to find the best man she can. And reverts typically cannot spot true piety and religiousness from Muslims. Usually when we hear Muslims say “ma sha’Allah” and other phrases we think that since Allah is on their tongue, Allah must also be in their heart and every aspect of their lives, not knowing that the one saying it could be a genuine monster behind closed doors and a swindler in transactions!^[1]I have even heard of ethnic Muslim men divorcing their American wives after the women became more religious and inspired by their husbands’ ascription to Islam! So new Muslim women have to really … Continue reading Also, consider, just as you may have a “foreign partner fad” this prospective that you may be considering may also be experiencing the same thing, but after a few years, that spouse may feel worn out of YOU and would prefer having a spouse from their own ethnic community who cooks like their mother. For revert women, this could be very detrimental, as ethnic Muslim men, who are allowed to marry more than one, may simply leave the convert girl hanging without officially finalizing the marriage, whether Islamically or otherwise. So there are pluses and minuses to marrying ethnic Muslims as well as great risks. Most of the risks can be avoided by marrying ethnic Muslims that were born and raised in America.

The biggest bonus of marrying a revert is, if both want to help each other in religion, then there is generally no cultural inhibitions holding them back from being the best Muslim family they can possibly be, and better understanding the struggles of one another with family and society around them. They understand each other’s body language. Similar benefits may hold for marrying second generation Muslims, the children of reverts.

Another dilemma of marriage is where to marry from. If your Muslim community is small, it may be impossible to get married from there when you need. Consider traveling or relocating to a larger community, like Toronto or the DC area, or a state with many large communities, like California or Texas. Another option which I don’t find fault with is using an online Islamic marriage service.^[2]Single Muslim is the largest such site on the net and it’s where my wife and I met.

A last issue is that, if you are a man, you may know by now that Muslim men are allowed to marry chaste religious Christian and Jewish women.^[3]I would only recommend this to a devout ethnic Muslim with very strong and influential character, so that even if he does not persuade his wife to accepting Islam, he still has a strong influence … Continue reading However, that is generally discouraged, especially for reverts. That spouse will be a reminder to that revert of the life they once led, the mentality they had, even their simple presence is a perpetual invitation from Shaytaan for a moment (or lifetime!) to remove the cloak of iman and just be “one big happy family on one religion”. Over time, one may have to remind themselves that they’re a Muslim. Allah says what means,

{وَلَا تَنكِحُوا الْمُشْرِكَاتِ حَتَّىٰ يُؤْمِنَّ ۚ وَلَأَمَةٌ مُّؤْمِنَةٌ خَيْرٌ مِّن مُّشْرِكَةٍ وَلَوْ أَعْجَبَتْكُمْ ۗ وَلَا تُنكِحُوا الْمُشْرِكِينَ حَتَّىٰ يُؤْمِنُوا ۚ وَلَعَبْدٌ مُّؤْمِنٌ خَيْرٌ مِّن مُّشْرِكٍ وَلَوْ أَعْجَبَكُمْ ۗ أُولَـٰئِكَ يَدْعُونَ إِلَى النَّارِ ۖ وَاللَّـهُ يَدْعُو إِلَى الْجَنَّةِ وَالْمَغْفِرَةِ بِإِذْنِهِ ۖ وَيُبَيِّنُ آيَاتِهِ لِلنَّاسِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَذَكَّرُونَ} ﴿٢٢١﴾ سورة البقرة

“And do not marry idolatresses till they believe (worship Allah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a free idolatress, even though she pleases you. And give not (your daughters) in marriage to idolaters till they believe (in Allah Alone) and verily, a believing slave is better than a free idolater, even though he pleases you. They invite you to the Fire, but Allah invites to Paradise and forgiveness by His Leave, and makes His revelations clear to mankind that they may remember.” [2:221]

As for marrying non-Christians/Jews or non-Muslim men, then this is strictly forbidden in Islam by consensus of the scholars. But remaining in such a marriage if it has already begun is the subject of another article here.

In any case, it is advisable to seek the counsel of older conservative Muslims, preferably other reverts, when looking to choose a potential mate. For women especially, it is obligatory to have a wali (guardian, representative or overseer) of the same religion, to be involved every step of the way. Traditionally, this would be the father, but for convert women, it is generally found in the leader of the local Islamic center or imam. Refuse any inner urge or attempts by the other party to communicate or meet without the wali’s knowledge and presence. Getting married according to the Quran and Sunnah is ultimately what guarantees Allah’s blessings over the marriage.

As for LGBT issues of marriage and relationships, the traditional Islamic advice would be to struggle against non-Islamically-conforming urges, even if they feel natural, seek help from Allah, and realize that every one of us constantly struggles with issues we were genetically or hormonally predisposed to. It is the point of struggle, where we may differ most with Islam, that we will ultimately get the closest to Allah, if we continuously beg Him to give us strength and help us endure through temptation and trial.

And Allah Knows best.